------------------------------------------------------------------------ "The Replacement Ranmas" by Angus MacSpon macspon@tamaneko.org http://macspon.tamaneko.org/fanfic/index.html Part Two ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [The Tendo home. Early morning.] TENCHI: School? Do I have to? KAJI: Certainly. You have to have an education if you're going to pilot an Eva -- er, well, maybe that's not such a good example. TENCHI: Going to school in Tokyo. Somehow that sounds awfully familiar. ASUKA: Is he still complaining? And hey, shouldn't you two be sparring before breakfast, or something? KAJI: Er ... ASUKA: You're just not getting into the spirit of this, Saotome-san! TENCHI: Actually, Akane, I thought I might spar with _your_ father. YOSHO [appearing suddenly]: An excellent idea, Ten--er, Ranma. Shall we step outside for a few minutes? ASUKA: But this isn't how it's supposed to ... oh, hell, why not? [They move outside. TENCHI and YOSHO produce bokkens, and take up ready stances.] NANAMI [watching]: No, no, no. Bare-handed. TENCHI: Eh? NANAMI: The Anything-Goes school of martial arts is primarily a bare-handed style. No bokkens. TENCHI: Err, now wait a minute -- YOSHO: Bare-handed, eh? [He cracks his knuckles.] Well, I'm sure that I can manage something in that direction ... TENCHI [sweating]: Now hold on there -- I -- I -- YOSHO [advancing]: Yes-s-s-s? TENCHI: I -- I -- ohmygoshcomeonAkanewe'regonnabelateforschool! [He grabs ASUKA by the hand and sprints out.] YOSHO: Heh. That boy has a lot to learn. [He examines his sore knuckles.] NANAMI: Not so hot on hand-to-hand, huh? I must remember to adjust my odds. [She pulls out a tiny notebook and scribbles in it.] YOSHO: Hmm ... do you really need to stay in Nabiki's character _that_ much? NANAMI: Hey, if I'm taking her place for a while, it'd just be bad manners not to make as much money as possible off you all while I'm here. YOSHO: [Facefaults.] [A street in Nerima. ASUKA and TENCHI appear. They have slowed down considerably. TENCHI is trying to walk on top of the fence.] TENCHI: Why'd it have to be bare-handed? What's wrong with swords? In my series, everyone uses swords! ASUKA: What, everyone? TENCHI: Well, nearly everyone. ASUKA: Please ... don't go quoting Gilbert and Sullivan. I can't _stand_ Gilbert and Sullivan. TENCHI: Sorry. Maybe I should have auditioned for Kuno instead, though. [He scratches his head, and falls off the fence.] Ow. So where's this school of yours, anyway? ASUKA: Don't worry. We aren't going there just yet. TENCHI: Oh? Why not? [An old woman in a nearby garden suddenly splashes him with water.] ASUKA: That's why not. [TENCHI sighs, jumps over the fence, and hides. There is a long, awkward pause. Then SHAYLA comes running up, breathing heavily.] SHAYLA: Sorry. [Pants] Caught me by surprise. ASUKA: Keep an eye on the script, will you? [Sighs] Now we have to get some hot water to change you back to Tenchi -- I mean, to Ranma -- I mean -- you know what I mean! SHAYLA: Oh, why bother? I'll just go to school like this. After all, _I_ can fight without a sword. ASUKA: Are you crazy? If you try to fight Kuno you'll burn him to a crisp! SHAYLA: And your point is? ASUKA: ... SHAYLA: Well? ASUKA: I'm thinking, I'm _thinking_! SHAYLA: Heh. Let me at him! ASUKA [regretfully]: No. If we don't stick to the script, the author threatened to dock our pay. Come on, let's get you changed back. SHAYLA: WHAT?! Oh, come _on_! It'd be _worth_ the pay cut! I know why you're doing this, you just don't want to let me do it because I fried you a little yesterday! Geez, how small-minded can you get -- ASUKA [smirking]: Here we are. Doctor Tofu's. I'll pop in and get some hot water. SHAYLA: Take your time! [ASUKA goes inside.] Sheesh. [SHAYLA leans against the wall, muttering evilly to herself. After a minute or so, bored, she pulls out a deck of cards and starts to practise Pettan. Suddenly she is hit on the head by a motorcycle helmet.] SHAYLA: OW! WHAT THE HELL?! [She looks at the figure standing before her.] What are you doing, you moron? You're supposed to use a skeleton, not a crash helmet! KEN NAKAJIMA: Sorry. I ... er, well ... the whole skeleton business just seemed kind of -- umm ... that is ... [He scratches the back of his head nervously.] ASUKA [coming back out]: Awww, is poor Ken-chan afraid of a widdle skeletums? KEN: Afraid?! Of -- of course not! I -- [He dashes inside and comes out carrying BETTY. Meanwhile ASUKA splashes SHAYLA, who changes place with TENCHI.] KEN: There! You see?! [He poses heroically with BETTY. BETTY's head falls off.] Oops. Hey, what happened to the cute red-head? TENCHI: Er, nothing. She, um, had to leave. ASUKA: Cute? Did you say 'cute'? Why, you old Casanova you! What would Miyuki say?! [At that moment, BELLDANDY walks past, holding a shopping basket. KEN watches her, transfixed. He absent-mindedly tears his crash helmet into little pieces.] KEN: Miyuki who? ASUKA: Oh, this is hopeless. Come on, Ten-- Ranma. Let's get going. [They head off toward school. KEN glances around to see if anybody is watching.] KEN [singing]: 'Am I alone, and unobserved? I am! Then let me own, I'm a medical sham!' ASUKA [off]: And NO GILBERT AND SULLIVAN! [Further down the street. TENCHI and ASUKA run into sight. As they dash around a corner, ASUKA runs head-first into a young man walking in the opposite direction. He is tall, and wears Chinese costume. He has a heavy pack on his back, with an umbrella mounted on top. His long black hair is tied back in a ponytail, but he's also wearing a bandanna around his head, making him look rather odd.] TAMAHOME: Excuse me, but do you know where Furinkan High is? ASUKA [rubbing her bruised nose]: That's in Tokyo, isn't it? This is Osaka. TAMAHOME: Oh, right. Sorry. [He wanders off, looking confused.] TENCHI: What was that all about? ASUKA: I'm just playing with his head. Don't worry about it. [The Tendo home. YOSHO and KAJI are sitting at the shogi board, in the middle of a game. They stare intently at the board for some time.] KAJI: So what are the rules again? YOSHO: In this series, I don't think it matters. [Near Furinkan High. TENCHI and ASUKA sprint toward the school gates.] TENCHI: So let me get this straight. You hate boys? ASUKA: Of course! It's _men_ I want! _Real_ men, like your father! TENCHI [muttering]: I think I'm gonna be sick. ASUKA [suspiciously]: I beg your pardon? TENCHI: Er, nothing. ASUKA: Yeah, sure. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right. I hate boys! I ... HATE ... [They enter the gates. A huge crowd of boys are standing waiting for them. All of them are dressed as ANGELS.] ASUKA: ... buhhh ... TENCHI: What the --? [The ANGELS sprint forward. Some of them are shouting "Akane!" Some of them are shouting "Asuka!" ASUKA suddenly gets a wild look in her eyes.] ASUKA: Excuse me. I'll be right back. [She dashes away. Moments later there is a deep, rhythmical thudding sound, as if some giant figure is approaching. We suddenly see a huge crimson robot, striding toward the school. It nears the ANGELS and [[ This scene has been heavily censored, ]] [[ due to excessive violence. ]] small greasy stains on the ground. The robot stalks off again, wiping its feet on the grass. Shortly later, ASUKA returns.] TENCHI: Feeling better? ASUKA: Much! Thanks! TENCHI: Okay. Now, if we can just -- MYSTERIOUS VOICE [off]: Remarkable. [A young man approaches them. He is smooth and charming, in a smarmy sort of way. He wears glasses, and very ill-fitting Kendo garb. He throws something to ASUKA, who catches it without thinking. It is an origami flower, made from folded-together banknotes.] AOSHIMA: Ah, Akane Tendo. At last you're here. I see you treated those fools as they deserved. ASUKA: Uh ... I ... uh ... wait a minute! _You're_ playing Kuno? That's ridiculous! AOSHIMA: Surely you don't think I'd let my beloved Belldandy be in this story without me? I persuaded the author's casting director to let me in. [The fanfic control room. HIROSHI and DAISUKE are sitting, watching the action. HIROSHI is counting a large wad of money.] HIROSHI: Eight thousand ... nine thousand ... ten -- DAISUKE: Yeah, yeah. Give me my share, will you? HIROSHI: At this rate, soon I'll be able to afford a half-hour date with Nabiki! [Furinkan High. TENCHI and ASUKA are still facing AOSHIMA. In the background, a squad of janitors are scraping something messy off the ground.] TENCHI: So why were all those guys dressed as Angels? AOSHIMA: I think there was some kind of confusion about whether they had to defeat Akane or Asuka. TENCHI [glancing at the janitors]: Confusion. Right. ASUKA: They had it coming. AOSHIMA: Of course. And now, Akane Tendo -- I would -- ASUKA: Oh, please -- AOSHIMA: -- be very much obliged if you'd help me get a date with your sister Kasumi. ASUKA: [Facefaults.] TENCHI: Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be quoting Shakespeare, or something? AOSHIMA: Shakespeare? That poseur? Ha! Never! There is only one true genius whose exquisite lyrical poetry is worthy of my quoting! ASUKA: Lyrical --? Oh, no, wait a minute ... AOSHIMA [singing]: 'I am the very model of a modern noble samurai --' ASUKA: AUGGGHHHHH! [END OF PART TWO] [Closing theme: "Fly Me to the Moon" sung in three-part harmony by Yosho, Kaji and Aoshima, with every seventh note cut out and played together as an encore at the end.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------ STARRING: Ranma Saotome . . . . . Tenchi Masaki ("Tenchi Muyo") . . . . . Shayla-Shayla ("El-Hazard") Akane Tendo . . . . . . Asuka Langley Soryu ("Neon Genesis Evangelion") CO-STARRING: Soun Tendo . . . . . . Yosho ("Tenchi Muyo") Kasumi Tendo . . . . . Belldandy ("Oh My Goddess!") Nabiki Tendo . . . . . Nanami Jinnai ("El-Hazard") Genma Saotome . . . . . Kaji Ryoji ("Neon Genesis Evangelion") . . . . . Pen-Pen ("Neon Genesis Evangelion") Ryoga Hibiki . . . . . Tamahome ("Fushigi Yugi") Tatewaki Kuno . . . . . Toshiyuki Aoshima ("Oh My Goddess!") ALSO APPEARING: Jusenkyo Guide . . . . Batou ("Ghost in the Shell") Tofu Ono . . . . . . . Ken Nakajima ("You're Under Arrest!") Disclaimer: All characters are copyright and appear without permission of their respective copyright-holders. No pickles were consumed during the writing of this story. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [EPILOGUE] [We see EVA-02, holding a minuscule AUTHOR in one hand, and steadily squeezing tighter and tighter.] ASUKA: And next chapter, NO MORE GILBERT AND SULLIVAN! Got that? MacSPON: *wheeze* [Fade out.]